'I was over at my friend's house and a man attacked me — only one thing stopped me ending my life as a result'

Sera Cracroft had always dreamt of becoming an actress. As a child she would often play on her own as her lively imagination would transport her to a different life or a different world.

Born and raised in the small Conwy village of Rhyd-y-foel near Abergele Sera lived with her parents, who were teachers, her little sister Catrin, and their grandmother who taught and encouraged Sera and her sister to speak Welsh. Years later Sera would become a familiar face on our screens – most notably for playing the much-loved character of Eileen in S4C's soap opera Pobol y Cwm in a role which she has played since 1989.

But little did the viewers or the people around her know that Sera lived with a cloud hanging over her and her childhood. In a special episode of S4C's Sgwrs Dan y Lloer the 57-year-old actress from has spoken candidly about her experience of sexual abuse as a child.

READ MORE: Rhod Gilbert A Pain in the Neck: Viewers praise 'brutal' and 'honest' Rhod Gilbert as he shares intimate journey through cancer treatment

LATEST: 'I was slurring and vomiting after a night out - I woke up in hospital partially paralysed'

It would take decades before Sera realised the full extent of the attack and the impact it had on her which affected both her mental health and relationship with others. Speaking to WalesOnline ahead of the programme the actress explained that she had decided to open up about her past in the hope it will help others who have gone through similar experiences.

According to Sera she was around five years old when the attack happened at a friend's house. "It first came back to me through flashbacks and for a while I thought it was a dream," she said.

"I was over at my friend's house. There was a man there and he attacked me. I didn't understand what was happening. I felt this pain but it felt like it wasn't happening to me. And then I remember looking up at the dust in the air and focusing on that. And then a minute later I felt like I was suffocating. I bit him and screamed for my mum.

"I remember him panicking and the next thing I know I remember feeling this pain in my arm because he was holding onto me. I was hysterical. The next thing I knew was that my parents had come to get me and I was crying but everyone thought it was due to the pain in my arm.

"I went to the hospital and they told me I had fractured my arm but I couldn't bring myself to say what had happened. I never mentioned that anything sexual had happened. I think that's down to the fact I didn't even know what sex was at the time. My arm was in a plaster and sling but from then onwards I was a delicate child."

According to Sera her arm would eventually mend but the incident would have a lasting effect on her mental health and behaviour. "They call it dissociation," she said. "When something really awful happens I can switch off from it.

"It's hard to explain but I think looking back that's what I used to do. I would revert back to my imagination because it felt safer. I was a very nervous child. If my parents would take me somewhere and left me there I would worry that they wouldn't come back to me.

"I was no trouble in school – I worked hard and read a lot. But I was either very compliant and did what everyone told me to do at school or on rare occasions I could get very angry if I couldn't control the situation. So I was at two extremes."

In 1996, when Sera was 29, her father died. The actress and her family were with him at Ysbyty Glan Clwyd during the final moments of his life. Following the experience Sera realised that something wasn't right. She said: "When my dad died I was young and pregnant. What triggered me with all of this was not remembering the last seconds before my father's death. We were there with him at the hospital and I don't remember the last seconds before he passed away.

"My mum and my sister said they remember it well and then I started asking myself: why didn't I remember it? I'm good with my memory – due to my job I have to learn a lot of lines and so on. I remember thinking there was something there. When I was stressed following my dad's death I remember getting these flashbacks of the attack. I started realising something horrible had happened here."

Through continuous flashbacks Sera began to realise the extent of what happened to her as a child. Now 40, a mum-of-three, and living in Cardiff while playing the role of Eileen on Pobol y Cwm Sera decided to tell some of her loved ones what happened. But the flashbacks continued to haunt her – so much so that it took a toll on her mental health. In 2015 Sera attempted to take her own life.

"I decided I had had enough," she said. "I wanted to stop the flashbacks – they were coming regularly. I went into the car and decided to drive as fast as I could and wanted to crash into a wall. I thought that’s how everything I was thinking about would stop for real. But the phone was ringing, the phone was in the car with me, and I saw my eldest daughter’s name flash up. I started thinking of them as young children and I put an emergency stop in the middle of a big road."

Sera was later taken to the University Hospital of Wales in Cardiff. Although she hadn't sustained any physical injuries, Sera was diagnosed with PTSD and started getting the help she needed. "I didn’t understand why I was there," Sera recalled. "I told them: ‘I haven’t hurt myself' but then they said: 'We need to talk to you'.

"I was there for a couple of days. I told a nurse that I wanted to end it all, I wanted to end the thoughts in my head. She asked me: 'Have you got any children?' and I said: 'Yes, that’s what made me brake the car'. And then she said: 'I don’t know any child who would be better off without their mum'. I remember that so vividly – it felt like I was coming back to my body."

By 2016 Sera was seeking support from a counsellor who later recommended that she should speak to the Truth Commission, which was an official body set up by the UK Government looking into why child abuse was happening. According to Sera she got in contact with the body a month later.

As a result the police were contacted about Sera's case. According to the actress she was interviewed for around three to four hours. “In a way I felt like I had to get rid of this burden,” she said. “I felt like I had to tell someone else who would then take the responsibility of speaking on my behalf."

When talking about the police interview process she said: "They were fantastic. Within a week I got a phone call from a police officer called Cerian – she was amazing, she was like an angel." She added: "I presented my evidence in Welsh but they said they had to have a translator there to be able to translate the content from Welsh to English. I said I didn’t want that – I speak English perfectly fine but I thought: 'I’m in Wales and this happened to me when I wasn't able to speak English.'

"I wanted to do it in Welsh and I wanted Welsh-speaking people to realise that this is happening in our communities too. This went up to the chief constable and in the end he said that I had the right to say it in Welsh and not be stopped or interfered due to the translating process."

The case was later transferred to North Wales Police CID. "All I wanted was for this man to be at least interviewed,” Sera said. “I got a phone call from them, an inspector, and he said: ‘We went to see him for you and he was scared. We then mentioned you and he said he’s never met you'. I was so angry."

Although nothing came of the case due to lack of evidence Sera said she found support thanks to the Ynys Saff sexual assault referral centre at the Royal Infirmary in Cardiff and an unlikely friendship with former Cymru goalkeeper Neville Southall. "I know how common this is," she said. “I know for certain this will have happened to many more, not just me, whether they are a girl or boy, man or woman.

"Of course I would’ve liked him to have gone to prison but that didn’t happen. I’m not the kind of person who wants revenge. I want to be the person that deals with my mental health because trauma changes your brain completely. I didn’t get my PTSD diagnosis until I tried to take my own life. You can get that diagnosis and then you can get that help.

"The person that has supported me the most has been Neville Southall. He comes from Llandudno. I’ll talk to him about places and I don’t need to explain where they are – he knows exactly where I’m talking about. But more than that he has done so much for mental health. He has helped a lot of people and shown them that there’s help available. He has helped me by showing the importance of talking and how to deal with trauma.”

When talking about the importance of speaking out Sera said: "It’s the only way you can get better and eradicate shame. I feel here in Wales we feel so much shame for so many things. We feel shame even when we haven’t done anything wrong.

"Acting has been my escapism. I’ve met so many actors that feel they need to become that person and that you have to believe you are that person. But I don’t do it like that. I can switch off and be somebody else – exactly like I did when I was a little girl when I thought: ‘Oh, I can’t think those bad thoughts now, I have to be this other person’. It’s a dissociation in a way – but I've turned something negative into a positive."

Viewers can watch S4C's Sgwrs Dan y Lloer - Sera Cracroft at 8pm on Monday, November 20. You can also watch it on catch-up through BBC iPlayer or S4C Clic where English and Welsh subtitles are available.